Get Out Now!
Last week we talked about something many caregivers know all too well: absorbing the anger from the very person you're trying to help.
But I also mentioned another caregiving reality I'd come back to later.
Well friends...later is here.
Sometimes you think the weight of caregiving couldn't possibly get any heavier.
Then the phone rings. "We need you to come in as soon as possible. We need to talk about your Mom's behaviors."
If you've never cared for someone with Alzheimer's disease, dementia, or another neurological condition, you may have never heard the word behaviors.
It's the term many nursing homes, memory care communities, and assisted living facilities use to describe actions such as physical aggression, verbal aggression, wandering or attempted elopement, resisting care, or other behaviors that create safety concerns for staff or other residents.
Sometimes...those behaviors lead to a discharge.
At first you might think, "That's okay. We didn't like that place anyway. We'll just find another one."
If only it were that simple.
Think back to your very first apartment. Imagine breaking your lease and simply walking away. Years later, when you apply for another apartment, that history may still follow you.
A behavioral discharge can feel very similar.
The next nursing home, memory care community, or assisted living facility will almost certainly ask whether your loved one has a history of behaviors. Now that one word follows them.
Suddenly, finding another place willing to accept them becomes exponentially more difficult.
Little Mama was discharged from the first nursing home where she lived because of behaviors. I'll reserve my opinions about that facility for another day.
Facilities also have a responsibility to protect the safety of other residents and staff. If behaviors begin escalating, they often don't wait to see if they'll get worse.
I also learned how critical adequate staffing and experienced caregivers can be. Sometimes recognizing early warning signs and redirecting someone before a situation escalates can make all the difference.
Papa Kemp's story was different.
I fought so many battles on his behalf that he never even knew existed. Meetings, phone calls, explaining, negotiating, advocating.
Battles he never saw are the same battles most employers never see either.
The paranoia was very real to him. When he felt unsafe, suspicious, or threatened, he genuinely believed he needed to protect himself from people he thought wanted to harm him.
To him...the danger was real.
Then it happened. My phone rang again.
More meetings, the umpteenth conversation, another warning, and now an ultimatum.
The threat of another discharge.
Sometimes the phone call comes directly from the nursing home or memory care community. Other times, it begins with a trip to the emergency room.
Many caregivers know another phrase that most people have never heard before: hospital dumping.
It's when a facility sends a resident to the hospital with no intention of accepting them back, leaving the family scrambling to find another placement while their loved one is still lying in a hospital bed.
But that's not the only way it happens.
Sometimes your loved one declines during the hospitalization. They may now require a higher level of care than their previous facility is licensed or equipped to provide.
Then comes one more moment most people never know exists.
While your loved one is still in the hospital, someone from their current facility may come to evaluate them.
They're assessing whether the facility can safely meet your loved one's needs if they return.
As a caregiver, you quickly learn that a lot can hinge on that visit.
You're not just hoping your loved one is getting better. You're hoping they still have a home to return to.
Because if the answer is no...
The search for a new home begins before they're even discharged from the hospital. Whether it's because of behaviors, hospital dumping, or a decline in their condition, the result is often the same.
The clock starts ticking.
Every day your loved one remains in the hospital without a placement is another day the pressure to solve the impossible keeps building.
Now you're searching for another facility willing to accept someone whose medical records may include documented behaviors.
You're calling admissions coordinators, talking with hospital discharge planners, coordinating physicians, transferring medications, arranging transportation, completing an endless mountain of paperwork, almost sneaking out of the hospital while your loved one is sleep to go visit the new facility, or evaluating whether you can move them into your home.
Trying to make one of the biggest decisions of your life...
Under an impossible deadline.
Overnight, you're no longer just a caregiver. You're a case manager, a housing coordinator, a medical advocate, and a crisis manager.
Meanwhile...
Forbes reports that 73% of employees have a secret second job: caregiving.
That means countless employees have received one of these phone calls while sitting at work.
Now imagine the employee sitting across from you in the break room…
- You notice their performance slipping.
- They've been leaving early more often.
- They seem distracted.
- You notice they jump every time their personal cell phone rings.
What you don't know is the call they just answered wasn't about dinner plans.
It was:
"Your mom has to leave."
Or...
"Your dad can no longer stay here."
Or...
"You have until Friday."
Suddenly they're trying to find another facility, comfort a frightened loved one, keep family members informed, figure out how to take time away from work, and somehow hold everything together.
And somehow...
Continue performing as though nothing happened.
I have eight years of caregiving stories.
Most of them belong on a conference stage, during a leadership retreat, or in one of my keynote presentations.
But every one of those stories points back to the same lesson.
Sometimes what looks like a performance problem...
Is actually a caregiving crisis unfolding in real time.
The employee didn't suddenly stop caring about their job. Their world changed with a single phone call.
Because until we understand what caregivers are carrying, we'll continue expecting them to perform as if they aren't carrying anything at all.
More to come,
Chef Maria
